Facing the Giants

This clip https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fsaKwDPBTeM is impactful to me from two or maybe more perspectives. It actually brings me to tears because I coach this way kiddos and my babies,and it’s truly even deeper than that.You may think it corny and most won’t even know the movie. It’s powerful in its own rite. That doesn’t matter. Tears!! Like the good kind!

So. My children and I are all immersed deeply in sports,education and music,performance and dance. Yay us right? Who isn’t? Bleh. 

I’m sharing this clip because I’m now again able to explain how many times,so many times,life just got too hard. It’s easier to quit.I considered it.I promise you that. There’s always a dark voice. 

I believe that we are taught to believe that conversations with G-d are us praying and waiting(yep they are). Calm, quiet. 

This is a more modern,sort of,version of the old and revered “Footprints”. It’s (Footprints) a gorgeous depiction of how G-d walks with us. Subtle. Present.But subtle, allowing us to navigate our own thoughts while He carries us,I did that. I revered my prayer time, calm and sweet and hopeful. But this is how G*d has been speaking to me. Not so peaceful 

The last two years, and maybe some of you understand,darkness,depression,fear,abandonment,hopelessness,confusion and on and on. Maybe some or most of you don’t. Nightmares. The nightmares. 

But. This is now G-d’s voice to me,aggressive, motivating,on the ground with me crawling along to save who? Those on the “sidelines” who are incredulous to see the victory?My children,my friends and loved ones?”You promised you’d give your best”. And to myself too. Hmmmmm. 

The protagonist says “it’s hurts, he’s too heavy”.. yes yes it does and yes they are,every single one of them,but I promised. 

Some of you that know me better will know the irony in the boys’ name being Jeremy he is carrying on his back. Some of you don’t. No matter. It’s powerful. And I’m grateful for those those who l get down on the ground for me and crawl along like that coach. And my coach has been down there in the dregs with me shouting-straight into my blindfolded,unwelcoming face to get me further than I trusted myself to go and just fricking do it. The hard stuff. 

I won’t be referencing the corona virus for a million reasons.It did not catalyze my thoughts other than giving me the extra uninterrupted time to take a good look around.Who is pushing and dragging and crawling along with you on the ground to make it into the end zone? End zone,friends. We’re trying to reach the 50 yard line alone... we can arrive at the end zone carrying a load  heavier we believed it was?That’s an amen all day. 

The Hidden Holiday Gift-holidays,spiritual, relationships

I absolutely love Thanksgiving and Christmas. Those that know me well know I truly must since they fall within seasons that bring the least desirable weather conditions, in my opinion, with them. So, I will endure the falling temperatures and snow, especially when it leads to the joys of the holidays. So bring it on November and December! 

 I try to be a proponent of being grateful every day. I try not to let the season bring about disingenuous gratitude and newfound revelations that a healthy soul and spirit would ordinarily recognize without the prompting of a holiday calendar. I'm a busy mom and I have many children. It's normal for me to be extra tired, and wonder if I can even muster the strength or energy to lift a weight or to even get a cup of coffee down, attributing it to a meal ( c'mon there's milk in a latte). So let's face it my thankfulness sometimes can be as simple as "everyone's socks match today". But the holidays admittedly usually energize me to a supernatural level. 

Most know I do the "kid thing" alone and it requires organizational skills that I'm not even sure I have sometimes. Ha! That's the beauty of children, there is never a dull moment even if you have every moment perfectly choreographed to be executed in the ultimate of precision. 

I love my family and I love my friends, I adore those that have risen up to be strong spirtitual and emotional supporters of me and my children as we navigate through the mundane and not so mundane. We are blessed beyond belief and further in awe of what gifts are shared with us. These are the people that bring so much light into our lives and help us to realize in turn our blessings and gifts that we love to give back.  But,what about those placed ( not always voluntarily) in our lives that cause the troubles !? 

It's the first day of Thanksgiving break "and all through the house, not a creature is stirring, not even a mouse." No baby awake yet, nothing! Me,in the quiet,with my thoughts and meditations. 

I went to bed last night with my mind racing with excitement and overflowing with love and intent.. Smiling..A full week with just me being the mom I dreamto be (hopefully if these little peeps cooperate).Fun.Not preoccupied or rushed. No schedule demands, less stress trying to meet them, and just wide open time and space to catch up, rest up and party up! I thought of crafts, activities, and outreaches.Turkey, check! Thanksgiving  list, check! (Yes, I am a glutton for punishment and I actually enjoy Thanksgiving preparations and the meal itself. I could eat turkey and stuffing every day!)Christmas tree, decorations,cheesy songs to sing with my kids in the car,check! So I literally fell asleep with visions of plums dancing in my head. 

But this morning, I woke up examining the margins within my plans for us. And that leaves the spaces where others enter into our dreams of merriment and Christmas carol loops and try to steal our joy! I'm sure everyone has at least one friend or family member that possesses this gem of a gift. My family isn't perfect by any means, but I've grown to understand some idiosyncrasies, overlook some fleeting moments of inconsiderate behaviors and keep stuffing my face and singing songs. If I can't handle differences in people I would've taken my ball and gone home long,long ago. 

Last night my frosted window panes, and candy cane dreams were suddenly jolted awake by yes, nightmares of people in my life who have caused a great deal of pain and unrest to me and the children for the past few years. I wasn't sure what had me specifically triggered and reaching for my Zoloft for anxiety I haven't experienced in forever, except perhaps it was just the mere thought of soon being in their presence and the many different directions the time spent with them could go. It catalyzed that familiar feeling I've now learned to recognize early on so I don't feel overwhelmed by it later. Sheer dread. Tight chest, melancholy feelings. I had received the early gift of anxiety. And from the outpouring of that foundation, came the continuing snowball effects that were finances during the holidays, upcoming events and on and on.

My prayer time was frustratingly sporadic this morning trying to balance what is expected of me, my hurt and my self worth .Memories of my endangered health and pregnancy because of people's selfishness popped up ,then came,anger,then back to the good old pain.

 I couldn't figure out why these people have such a negative affect on me.  I have been able to settle and find peace in literally every other life situation I've come upon.  I settled on the absence of truth, which I will need to revisit with more time  and the lack of true remorse or reconciliation. There was never even an acknowledgement of the possible damage that was endured. I kept going back to forgiveness and reconciliation are not synonomous. Forgiveness is for me, reconciliation, calls for genuine remorse and repentance. I kept seeing this quote in my head: 

I feel like this is my current situation. "Let's pretend it's all fine because it's the holidays and it's what people do." And that in my desire to "do the right thing" I'm really going to be doing myself and my family a grave disservice subjecting us to pretention and false courtesies. Further, there is no right way to "behave" that is fair for everyone affected. I'm stuck. 

These are ironic and amusing for good reason. There is great humor found in things with an understated basis of truth. So I for one, laughed right out loud when I saw them awhile back. Now I don't know if I should laugh or cry or laugh until I cry. 

And this one is my favorite so far:

My greatest conflict today: When do you seek justice and how to I apply faith within faithless circumstances. 

And my heart landed on this :

"Matthew 5:9 – Blessed are the peaceMAKERS,(emphasis mine) for they shall be called sons of God."

I frequently seek to understand this teaching and found slight solace in my deepest reflections. And I found an interesting perspective. There is a glaring difference between peaceMAKERS and peaceKEEPERS. I'm finding this applicable to even the world climate today, which I cannot even fully gather my thoughts as of yet to process let alone write about.These tumultuous times are certainly not helpful in keeping anxiety at bay. Anyone who has experienced it can attest that despite how rational,spiritual,or intellectual you are or are not, there are few philosophies that help it to subside. I'm beginning to think the more you have of the aforementioned can actually exacerbate the condition. 

So here is what I found. I know I've mentioned something to this effect before but this seems quite pointed to me. 

"There is a huge difference between keeping peace (peacekeeping) and making peace (peacemaking).

Peacekeeping means keeping people from attacking each other by putting some kind of barrier between them.Peacekeepers work hard to keep tensions from rising. They work hard at pretending that nothing is wrong and that nothing is bothering them. Peacekeepers avoid conflict at any cost. Their reward is apparent peace and tranquillity and the slow demise of their integrity.

Peacekeepers can endure fake peace for decades while the tension erodes their well-being. Peacekeepers keep the status quo in order to keep the peace. They tag along and compromise their standard to feel and be among. Peacekeepers are often portrayed as deeply spiritual because they can endure so much without “saying anything”. They often see their suffering, not as an expression of being misguided or of stupidity, but as a product of faithfulness to being a “Christian.”

Such Christians, because they don’t want to be called weird, do not preach the gospel to people around them. They say “Let’s let them be. God will touch them in His own way and time.” They avoid being confrontational or open about their faith in Christ. They always procrastinate and shift responsibility. They want everyone to speak well of them and they don’t want to take new territories. In the name of peacekeeping, many compromise and lose their integrity in the process. Friend, we are not called to be peacekeepers; we are called to be peacemakers. True peace only exists where the ‘Prince of Peace’ is allowed in to establish His kingdom.

Peacemaking is the process of creating a settlement between the disputing parties; in this case, between God and man. Remember, God did not walk away from man; it was man that walked away from God. Therefore, this particular peacemaking between God and man is one-sided. We are reconciling people to God or better still, God is reconciling people to Himself through us. Peacemaking lays the groundwork for authentic peace to rule. Jesus was a peacemaker (the cross is evidence that He did not avoid conflict) and He calls us to be peacemakers.

Peacemakers allow tensions to surface and encourage tensions to be aired. They might even precipitate conflict.

Peacemakers invite necessary conflict because they know there is no other pathway to the increase of understanding between warring people and groups. Peacemakers value authentic peace more than its distorted parody. The peace that exists between people with the courage to endure conflict, for the sake of lasting peace, is like gold when compared to its counterfeit cousin (peacekeeping)" Arklow 

So I guess today's conclusion for me is 

"Blessed are the peaceMAKERS"

My next reflection may be how to speak even on a surface level to people who won't hear... But for now I hear a little voice beckoning from his crib so time to get this show on the road . 

Enneagram

I like to assess part of my mindsets by occasionally taking personality assessments. It's interesting to see how even sometimes I will remain consistent in some arenas and then in different stages of my life there are sometimes variables. 

This time I took the Enneagram test and I am including my results here so I can refer back to them especially when people would like to know how to relate to me. It's interesting to see how new people in my life are interested in the complete me and the core of me. 

Complex PTSD

Largely due to my overwhelming gratitude from support groups and counseling, I have been able to adjust cognitive responses and reactivity more effectively, but logic unfortunately doesn't always rule the heart and emotions. I was offered this piece through a support group, where many rants admittedly occur but moreso, where every once in awhile, such clarity is verified. There is such solace in receiving feedback and even being able to hear mind boggling similarities in people's relationships. It has alleviated my anxiety specifically regarding my latest relationship. 

This article helped me immensely to forgive myself for responses prior to my knowledge of the ability of me having Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  I could have checked off the symptoms and even the causes of like a laundry list . Fascinating how the this is considered a psychiatric injury. This article outlines how individuals and circumstances that cause the mind to resemble the acknowledged "trauma" subconsciously cause a reaction. I am amazed how powerful the mind is , in my case, the betrayal, the unnecessary aggression ,the disposal ,they're all right there on the list ! 

I could not nor could those close to me understand how suddenly I had grown so broken and reactive, after undergoing a series of challenging situations,including domestic violence, very trying divorce proceedings over the years why the circumstances within that relationship produced such volatile behavior. I now realize it was the shock , the discovery of certain things I was no party to , caused me in the moment, to have a physical response, blood feeling like it was leaving my body,shock, emotional distress, crying, pain. And it continued with the same parties as players in future experiences. I had been conditioned like a Pavlov experiment , that when he both independently and when with certain influences had the ability to make decisions, many times it harmed or had some direct and indirect effect on both me and my children. Even before one was born. Prolonged stress and panic of the effects of lack of consideration and unnecessary back lashing behavior. I was always worried out of mind of the stability mainly of the kids. That I think will always remain:) 

Then came the pregnancy loss, touch and go new pregnancy and new concerns and then the same "trigger people" a constant influence. 

Way too much, way too much traumatization for anyone I would think let alone a single mother of 6! 

It started to show actual health affects,and even my acupuncturist noted on several occasions , physical ailments. I never even shared with her details of my relationship , and I began noticing a theme, including a physician assistant at my obgyn's office. They kept asking if I was safe in my situation, sensed a lack of emotional support etc. My acupuncturist stated many of my illnesses and even baby weight retention (that in all of my other pregnancies were definitely sloughing off by now) were as a result of stress. I have demonstrated I can handle normal daily stress that comes with life, parenting, finances(that are always a struggle) and so on. What I WAS not handling was the lack of truth within my relationship , the discovery of infidelity, the lying about it, the blatant disregard, and moreso I was so perplexed how I chose my faith and was guaranteed the theory of being equally yoked only to be attacked for trusting in promises made and mocked. I thought I was losing control, looking back I never even had any control in the first place. I was just accused of having it and believed it. If I were to get upset about something, it would require a shift in decision making with my influence. But it didn't happen that way."I knew you wouldn't be happy about it , but I didn't think it was that big of a deal.""I have to do this because of xyz...(later to be found to be completely false ). Then came the pushing. I quote from one of these support groups "they just push and push and push, until you can't take it anymore. Then blame you for your reaction" . I thought long and hard about it. 

Here's the article: 

http://www.bullyonline.org/stress/ptsd.htm

Every push for me had an isolated, pivotal occurrence.

Push-promising to relocate to our state, buys a brick and mortar business in his resident state 

Push-bar crawl trip despite no money and no discussion in planning without me 

Push-strip club after me communicating well before it would affect me the same as an affair in heart and in faith 

Push- lie for a full year about strip club

Push- several open online dating accounts 

Push- anonymous letter sent to me about him contacting his ex 

Push- outward discourteous behavior from a number of his family members 

Push- demeaning letter from his family member about my value and that of the entire relationship 

They are more but I'm trying to PUSH forward through an emotional strengthening breakthrough . Just chipping away at me with me oblivious to how much  it was hurting me. 

Well I cannot say I was completely oblivious I asked for limited contact until the relationship was addressed as top priority. I asked for counseling to , we went once an never again. I still have yet to figure out why it was so difficult to schedule an appointment WHILE communicating with me . It was always , "here's what I scheduled," or something like. But what about the responsibilities I had daily that I was still accountable for ? 

That's neither here nor there at this point. 

So I after the time he involved the police from nearly 1000 miles away, after not showing up for months after the baby was born  (by his account because I was unrightfully feeling attacked, unsafe and threatened, as well as tge newborn and because he didn't like the way HE was received after I had that horrible birth experience) and after falsely telling me numerous arrival times for my relief and to help , I decided to protect myself and the kids.  I'll never get that ? I didn't like the way he was behaving but I certainly view that as an opportunity to be absent from the family ? Hmmm 

So I've come to realize now, that at the end of the day, he was unwilling to sacrifice the traceable , triggering people or circumstances for the health of the relationship and even that of the children. What he assured me we would be collectively working towards including in parenting based on faith was not the case. And now it's what HE'S going to and not going to do ( after attending yet another event with the same people and circumstances only the final time as a self proclaimed single man, no ring, no discussion with me, discovered through intentionally posted photos via social media). Oh yes and he said it was intentional , like many times before. How many times was this his response outside of the times I didn't find out or wasn't told? Traumatizing. A couple of great quotes I have grown to love. 

"Don't do anything permanently stupid because you are temporarily angry". I could have used this in the past for sure but didn't always have the tools. This is definitely at play here. And all I can say to him now is" I hope it was worth (the price) ", the impulsive,pointed, vindictiveness. 

The other is "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result". I can't control him but I am responsible for the well being of myself and my children. I am not intentional in the importance of the maintenance of mental health. No I cannot do it ALL all by myself and actually I don't want to. I'm proud to say if I need help in many facets , I have it. 

My transparency , my faith and my support and guidance have definitely produced different results, not in his approach to me or the children in the least, that's actually retuned to threatening and blaming and demeaning and that's to be expected, I'm not perfect either. But I also never had the cognitive responses I gained in that relationship prior to or after or even with other stressful situations . Too much reactivity for someone or something I had little control over. 

It's a rocky road to come I'm sure, and since he's always had full control of money without so much as a discussion with me (cash out and his spending was never something he wished me to be  involved in, yet whenever I needed something I willfully would request out of courtesy) . After, we had agreed that the kids including the baby needed me home as a full time parent with limited income more than it could be done with me full time outside of the home and me trying to pay for child care and having children being more the responsibility of teachers and employees to raise. We will see how far his default vindictive behaviors will go in affecting the well being of several children he made numerous promises to . Just different viewpoints globally. I guess the point is , while he is sending snide messages to me and degrading me for intentional and coincidental limited contact, there is more peace in this home, there is more peace in my mind. It's called emotional stability and it's called protection. And he doesn't get to take that away from us because we didn't" get over" everything the way he thinks we should. I have also asked that we seek help together instead of just me on my own, with a simple conversation with a child therapist, so we could share our concerns before him injecting himself back into the home I try to keep consistent as I can in his absences. But that has now departed to be that he's "not allowed" to come. And further has been discarded as an option and once again I'm told he's coming . Sigh , truly frustrating and exhausting , awkward and uncomfortable. This marks a trying day. Going to workout and keep my sights set on today's schedule for me and mainly the kids schedule and schedule my next counseling session. Staying grounded and staying calm regardless of the biting remarks. Like I'm "disgusting". He's given me this message in many ways so it may have lost its impact anyway.

Happy Unanniversary pt 2

System error! Sorry about that ! For some reason I could not complete or edit my first post so I apologize for any typos and errors etc.

The point to all of this is not only to maintain clarity for my life experiences, but to actually demonstrate a pointed and intentional shift in focus . To focus on what I've been blessed with and charged with to nurture and care for. That would most certainly be my children, and also me, from a standpoint of faith, for perseverance, for rebirth and for a renewal and replenishing of what makes me whole. There is nothing here on earth that will offer this fulfillment. There will always be the intrinsic longing. It's supposed to be there. In the meantime, I won't be deceived by those of no or convenient faith. As verified in a message from Pastor Leach, stated, "G-dless people lead G-dless lives". Duh, and those who are deceived believe just as passionately that they are living the right lives to suit themselves as I am that I need G-d to strengthen me. The only war I'll wage in these regards in such a place where discontent and disagreement is causing more pain, is for myself and these babies and I'm in the full armor of G-d.

I felt like I had been through Hell and back and I'll tell you what if Hell is like that I will choose anything that keeps me from it 😁. It's a huge pass for this girl. So yes, I am that mom, integrity is more important than popularity. Because it is my responsibility to protect these children whose voices are so much smaller in the scheme of life.liars and deceivers are not welcome. We continue in our great journey of life and its ups and downs . And we hope to be deemed as faithful servants so that we may all hear "His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!'  Matthew 25:21 Good grief ! I feel like I'm already "in charge " of many things ! Lol but ok I'm willing to push through because I want the world to be a richer place with me and my children in it than to build a legacy of weak character.  If "blessings come from raindrops and healing comes through tears", then I'm on the right track for certain! 

Happy Unanniversary edited original 9/14/15

Isaiah 29:40 "He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak" reflections today demonstrate these words immensely. 

In my head today as it marks what should have been my anniversary. I'm not particularly sad, I believe some relationships are mourned while you're still in them. I went through much of this process alone in regards to him , but chose at the end to have some help in navigating my way with or without him. I found amazing support in my church , counselors and child experts that I could safely share my concerns and experiences with and get professional and honest feedback. Even that was largely discredited for reasons that were mounting, I wasn't "telling the truth, being honest, making myself look perfect, only sharing one side" to "they don't know f*cking sh*t about me.. I don't care what they say" to"so since I haven't gone to a counselor I can't be dealing with things right?". It went on and on and we did go to a counselor , once, which as anyone knows doesn't get you far.

I remember, being alone so much, suffering loss, feeling exhausted, feeling betrayed, feeling deceived and feeling as if everyone and everything else were more important. I had suffered a miscarriage resulting in my having to undergo a procedure that causes great anxiety and shock to the body. He couldn't even be in the same state, had to stay at the bar he owned. I had to share the emotional and physical trauma with friends, who watched the children and drove me to appointments. I didn't even share the experience with my children (obviously) or family.  Sad, ashamed, embarrassed. Then came the "recovery". A couple of weeks later ,  I had my second anxiety attack . It's a helpless and terrifying feeling where you can actually believe that you are experiencing a heart attack. Symptoms for both anxiety attacks and heart attacks , and the more you experience , the more intense they become. I remember feeling short of breath and my arms feeling hollow, with "creepy crawlies".  I started to feel my palms swear and as I felt clammy I recall sheer panic with an odd  accompanying sense of rationale.

"Oh my G-d, what's going on ? Am I having a heart attack , ok , pain in one shoulder , shortness of breath, arm pain. Ok , where is the discharge information from the doctor ?" Terrified I'm checking off the list of fatal red flags.
'Sharp chest pains ' check
'Shortness of breath' check
'Nausea , dizziness...' Check check check "
Now Webmd(worst site for me by the way lol)
Symptom checker for both D&C complications, blood clot ( which a woman age 35, from our church had passed away from months before while under the care and supervision of medical professionals) , and heart attack.

They were all there , the symptoms,and of course  as  they reveal themselves, they worsen as the anxiety mounts. Aside from flying, I had only experienced an anxiety attack once before, after learning I had been cheated on and disregarded and after receiving an ugly letter from my sister-in-law discrediting me as a person and challenging my integrity and the validity and importance of my relationship. Anxiety from flying is a different sensation altogether , and my first attack as I referenced was much milder than this one. I actually thought I was dying. I thought of my kids and then panicked even more. All of this landed me in Urgent Care where no one seems to feel the same urgency. Of course I felt like I was dying and I needed urgent attention. The hospitals I've since learned are excellent at discerning that I was not dying. I've had similar experiences since oddly only as a result of similar interactions with the same "players". My anxiety attacks to follow also were related to the exact same issues and people. Then came the empathic attacks. That's what counseling gets ya 😜clarity.

It was an emotional roller coaster, I would cry I was so scared, cry because I was so hurt, cry because every word and action showed that I was never to be regarded as a first priority as G-d had intended (first after faith of course) for marriage, for me, my significant other and my children. Then came the anger, mad I was so dumb to trust, mad for the injustice, and angrier still for the lying. I was angry that the offenders kept seeming to reap the rewards. It was a long road of lies, deceit and disappointment. His family always came first regardless of the circumstances,and if I ever wondered, one member would flat out tell me so or in difficult times, for us here, that's where he'd be, every time. I am only reflecting upon this on this "anniversary" day because the date reminds me not of the time we made any promises or vows, but as one of many pivotal realizations in my life. The first year anniversary , I was a few months postpartum. I already had my full plate with my existing children and their daily activities and basic needs , I now had the most difficult infant I had ever had.

There were innumerable contributing factors to such that included my difficult pregnancy with him, anemia, bleeding, relationship stress, more “in-law” stress . (I should point out that my in-laws , encouraged cheating and told him how much better he could do than me and the children, and none made an effort to learn anything about me until I was pregnant with this baby) . So much emotional distress, there were days I hated them, days I hated me and days I hated having to deal with all of these children while their fathers were entertaining themselves and showing up if only they had nothing better to do.

Reflection on Father's Day

I am so blessed with an amazing father who throughout my life always CHOSE me just like my G-d in Heaven. Before his desires, activities and views he had established long before my mom and I , and sister existed in his life me, he placed us as his top priority and he still continues to do so extending his heart for Christ all the way down to my children.Happy Father's Day to him.

I wanted to share beautiful illustration for family time today, when I heard it I thought of my kids, having spent the large portion of their lives without the full and consistent presence of fathers, in the ways their hearts have needed. There is such power in the heart and I have faith G-d provides for us all where the world cannot . 

Adapted  by Elizabeth Unger 

"Teddy Stallard certainly qualified as “one of the least” interested in school. He was musty,

clothing wrinkled, hair never combed, and whenever Miss Thompson, his fifth grade teacher,

spoke to him, he always answered in monosyllables. He was unattractive, distant, and just plain

hard to like.

His teacher said she loved all her class the same, but deep down inside she wasn’t being

completely honest with herself. Whenever she corrected Teddy’s papers, she got a certain

perverse pleasure out of putting big red “X’s” next to his wrong answers, and when she put an

“F” on the top of his test papers, she always did it with a flair. She should have known better,

she knew more about Teddy than she wanted to admit.  His records read:

1st Grade: Teddy shows promise with his work, has poor home environment.

2nd Grade: Teddy could do better. His mother seriously ill. He receives little help from home.

3rd Grade: Teddy is a good boy, but he is too serious. He is a slow learner, his mother died 

last year.

4th Grade: Teddy is very slow, but well-behaved. His father shows no interest in him.

Christmas came, and Miss Thompson’s class brought her presents. They piled their gifts on her

desk and crowded around to watch her open them. Among them was one from Teddy. His gift

was wrapped in plain brown paper, and held together with scotch tape. On the paper he had

written these simple words, “For Miss Thompson, From Teddy.” When she opened his present

out fell a gaudy rhinestone bracelet, with some of the stones missing, a used bottle of cheap

perfume.

The other boys and girls began to giggle and smirk over Teddy’s gifts, but Miss Thompson at

least had the good sense to silence them by trying on the bracelet, and spraying some of the

perfume on her wrist. Stretching out her hand toward the children she asked, “Doesn’t it smell

lovely?” Taking their cue from their teacher, the children agreed with “oo’s” and “ah’s”.

At the end of the school day, Teddy lingered behind after the other children had left. He slowly

approached her desk and said, “Miss Thompson, my mother’s bracelet looks real pretty on you.

And you smell just like my mother, the perfume was her’s too. Whenever I miss her, I smell her

perfume and it reminds me of her! I’m glad you liked my presents.” When Teddy left, Miss

Thompson got down on her knees and wept as she asked God to forgive her.

The next day the children were greeted by a new teacher. Miss Thompson had become a

different person. She no longer was just a teacher, she had become an agent of God’s love. She

was committed to loving her class, and doing things for them that would live on after her. She

helped all the children, especially the slow ones, and especially Teddy. By the end of the school

year Teddy showed dramatic improvement. He had caught up with most of the class, and was

even ahead of some.

She didn’t hear from Teddy for a long time. Then one day, years later, she received a graduation

announcement with an enclosed note.

Dear Miss Thompson:

I want you to be the first to know that I will be graduating second in my high school

class. Thank you for believing in me when no one else did.

Love,

Teddy Stallard

Four years later, another graduation announcement.

Dear Miss Thompson:

I’ve just been informed that I will be graduating first in my college class. The work was

challenging, but I enjoyed it. Thank you for all that you have done for me.

Love,

Teddy Stallard

Finally she received the most exciting graduation announcement of them all.

Dear Miss Thompson:

As of today, I am Theodore Stallard, M.D. How about that? I wanted you to be the

first to know. I’m getting married next month, the 27th to be exact. I want you to come and sit

where my mother would sit if she was alive. My father died this past year, you’re the only

family I have now.

Love,

Dr. Theodore Stallard, M.D" 

We cannot choose everything in our life including our family. But we can choose to build a family for ourselves in faith and fellowship and live free and fulfilled . 

Journal 7/15

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Processing- the beginning of the end

I'm the first to say in most instances of relationships involving two people, the demise of them generally involves substantial contribution on behalf of both parties. I can say my last relationship involved more like 5 or 6 people and I was in most instances,not a participant. My reaction and what manifested of course was my responsibility. 

I had been in this relationship, long distance for about two years. He said all of the right, uplifting,and endearing things. He spoke of our future together with my children, promised to move to where we lived since day one. He sent me texts confessing he deemed me his wife, what he was waiting for and wished to build a family. He sent emoticons with a ring and hearts. He told me he'd accepted not having children until he met me .

When we met I was a financially strapped single mom with an ex with odd undying devotions to us. I had no money and few ways to make ends meet. He'd mock my child support "we don't need his (measly ) money". 

I thought G-d had finally delivered. Finally we would have security in all realms. He and I were not financially yoked when it came to being good stewards of our financial benefits. I look to the future, budget and sacrifice my desires when things are tight. He would spend and worry about it later. 

This came the spending and us doing without. I called upon his promises,trusting he'd do as he said he would . I traveled a couple of times to meet and interact with his family. They looked through me and took no time to learn about me or my children or family. If one of my boys brought a prospective spouse home from far away,I'd immerse myself in knowing and learning her story. I would prepare a banquet and beg her into our home to connect with her life and approaches. And I will. My children don't belong to me they belong to G-d and I can only pray they will follow the path I raised them on ultimately. All seemed well at the surface and then came his sister unfriending me on FB. Odd. Especially for someone whose neither claimed I was an important part of his life and for all the promises he made. 

It bothered me for so long and I would ask him what the problem was. He claimed there was no problem, but that his sister was cleaning out her social media account. Still odd. More confusing still was the fact that she maintained for a long time contact with their brother's girlfriend , who ultimately ended up cheating on him. 

Finally he grew slightly hostile at me for asking and said "whatever your problems are with you two you figure it out, I don't want to be involved". He elaborated on how hard HIS life was because"we" didn't get along. Confusing at best since I had no issue? So , for his sake I messaged her and asked what had occurred without my knowledge and how could we improve it for his sake. Honest, open, non-confrontational, no malice. Here's the response I received : 

"

Tosha - 

Out of respect for ----I am replying with my honest feelings. My family means more to me than anything and when I see one of them hurting, I become very protective and want only the best for them. I never had any issues with you and I will support my brother's decisions if that's what makes him happy. However, I have never seen ----- so stressed in his entire life until he met you. You have done nothing but pressure ----to financially provide for you and your children. You have done nothing but pressure ----and give him ultimatums that in my eyes are way beyond what one normal man can provide. You expect him to uproot his life. Have you ever put your feelings aside just once and thought about how ----feels? Or have you ever taken the time to stop and compromise and make it about what is best for the both of you, and not just yourself? Have you ever thought that maybe you should be the one to uproot and change your life instead of him? I have never understood how you could expect a guy you hardly know to financially provide for you when you weren't even close to being married? You have put so much pressure on him Tosha he was physically and mentally drained to the point of being ill. He was trying to start a business last year when he took over my aunt's bar. He was working his ass off day and night doing his BEST to make ends meet and make you happy, plus making how many trips to Denver to see you. But you continued to pressure him. He finally got the bar up and going but he dropped all of that to move to Williston so he can make more money to provide for you. But still it does not seem good enough. This day and age both people are out working full time jobs to make ends meet, one man can't provide for a family with six kids plus two adults. 

So I guess what I am trying to say Tosha is that I lost all respect when I saw how big of a toll this whole relationship has taken on my brother. ----is not only my brother, he is one of my best friends. To see how stressed he is angers me. I want to help him, I want to fix it and make him happy again. He has not been himself in the last year because all of this stress has changed him. You are making him choose between you and his family Tosha and that is where I draw the line. I have dealt with enough crap in my life and I have learned that life is too short to be unhappy and stressed out all the time. Think of all the time you have wasted fighting with ----and putting stress on him to take care of you. When does it stop? When will it ever be good enough for you? It seems it has always only been about my brother providing for you. He has given his all and he continues to work his ass off, show nothing for himself, because he is giving everything to make you happy. And the impression that I get is no matter how hard my brother tries, not matter what he does to give you what you want, in the end it will never be good enough. And that is what I have a problem with. I want the best for my brother and I want to see him happy. I want him to be able to be himself and not have to walk on water in order to make you happy. One wrong move and he sinks every time. He is only one person and he is doing his best. "

I was emotionally destroyed. In one response, she undid my entire foundation of trust, love and respect for our relationship. 

With a few keystrokes she destroyed my faith in him and our relationship, called into question my discernment as a mother, attacked my motivation for being in the relationship, challenged my belief system on priorities and called into question what exactly was he telling them and where his loyalties lied.

I grew depressed, doubtful and hopeless and this came on the heels of other questionable events involving his family members. I sensed discord and destruction and I should've heeded my own warnings. 

What about what he was telling and promising me? What about what I brought to the table? Should my hard earned bonus have been spent on strippers for their brother? What about the shameless lies that would follow ?

I plan to address the truth of this letter in my future journals further.

Until then I will call upon what I know is true of me by G-d's standard and will not allow her to take that significant power from me ever again .

Journal 5/15

I'm only even awake at this hour because I've returned home from the Emergency Room and am trying to wind down and I'm trying to recall the course of events. While I feel I've suffered injustices as have the kids, I feel I'm going through a certain cycle of grieving. But what am I grieving truthfully? Primarily the loss of promise and certain incidents that have caused me incredible and undue stress. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I am so fortunate to have been blessed with a great team of counselors who are working for me and are advocating for the children as well. Our family as a unit is benefitting from a new outlook of worth that should be demonstrated through the consistent means we're regarded.

I have visited the first four steps in the grieving process, the loss of family , the loss of a person and his promises, loss of hope, trust and security.

I was
1. In denial and isolation-isolation actually not chosen by me but I tried so hard to ignore glaring truths
2. Angry-raging angry and disappointed at my response of the desire the hurt those who hurt me like I was pained, godly, no , but very human. I think everyone has been here.
3. Then I Bargained- months and months of " let's try doing this if this is changed and if that is different". Never worked. Never would. One thing you never ask from a person who intentionally and knowingly breaks promises is, never ask for promises. They won't keep them, because in this case, I and the children were not worth keeping them, for whatever reason. When your worth isn't consistent with what you're receiving in enters
4. Depression - I think everyone has been here too and it's self explanatory. And I'm halfway between this and
5. Acceptance. In essence I've come to terms with the fact that other people's actions have affected this family consisting of me and my children for far too long.

The trick to best  utilizing my counselors to address my cognitive behavior, change my reactions and approaches enough to either protect myself and the kids or change the usual outcomes ( people I attract, people I value, people I revere and the  qualities I (we) need to be nurtured or a combination .

Regardless of  why I have been a single parent for so long that its expectations in itself have been taking a toll on my physical health. I'm so outnumbered. I am tired and I experience the spectrum of emotions  from me AND my kids,daily. Minutely lol.

I wish the anxiety would quit sinking into my bones and cause me to recall the trauma I have been put through, but that 's a separate process too, so I bounce around .

The good news is I'm in good health even after figuring out child care prior to going to the ER, my actual muscle of a heart is good but the stress is settling in. After a series of rests and labs I'm exhausted and will go to bed now. Tomorrow another great release , acupuncture  and then I get to see my lovely couple counselors( they're the couple not me I'm dong this only own for the future off and  the children ". I've been alone before doing it and am more than happy to work hard to be the best parent and woman even now that I can be. I have no intentions of being an island  we were given others in our lives for a purpose.

Journal 5/4

After a serious loss in I think 2011, I had my first panic attack. I thought I was having a heart attack at 35 and all I could hear was my dad telling me that most people who experience this at a young age are "dead before they hit the floor" .

I had just had a medical procedure and I was already experiencing loss and most likely hormone induced depression. In my last three pregnancies I had more sadness and exhaustion than the others. However the last three, the fathers were also absent during the pregnancy . Let's face it I have a lot of children and it was a huge undertaking, especially by myself. And then there was the grace disappointment of my circumstances where I had been ensured the raising of these children would not be my sole responsibility. Douse that with high blood pressure , anemia, absolutely no sleep, and see real young siblings to tend to and at some points businesses to run, and homeschooling this is a recipe for disaster. 

I had no idea what an anxiety attack was but I do now! I felt dizzy, and a pain in my arm, short of breath. It comes as no surprise that I was alone to deal with this as well. I am always reluctant to ask my mom for help because she always brings an annoying energy to these situations that sometimes are counter productive. I actually think this was more paranoia of a botched problem, like a blood clot or something. Of course the person I was in a relationship at the time who probably should've been present the entire time, was unavailable and elsewhere. He came a couple of days later but, the event was alone. 

This one I can discount to an actual side effect of my procedure. I also failed to recall my recent workouts and tired arm muscles lol. But since I have had similar symptoms. It comes on suddenly an unidentified sinking feeling, numbness in arms, and for me I'm can get anxious and then that instills panic and makes it worse. I had another trip to the ER recently because it's better safe than sorry, like I said, I have a ton of kids. I couldn't breath, I felt like my chest was turning inside out, the most frightening of symptoms, was the tingling of my arms. As if all of the blood was leaving them. They felt hollow .   I could never tell why they happened until I started paying attention to the circumstances and more importantly the players. 

I recognized here recently that there were some similar themes. 

1. Hormones. I was either pregnant or under a year post partum. Yeah that's...Annoying. 

2. My relationship and his family. These episodes have always been attached to some action taken against me. Of course by their recollection nothing was malicious in intent and all purely innocent. All me and my feelings and security being of lesser value than mine. 

It was always and me versus all of them, him included. Even when I was having a hard time with my last pregnancy, they knowingly continued to add stress to me endangering both me and my unborn child. 

Oddly enough alone is the common thread that ultimately weaves itself through my life. Alone in my thoughts, alone with my feelings . Alone to pick up where others abandon. 

I just remember him promising from the very absolute beginning he would be here, move to build a life with me and the kids and as we can see he never did. Instead it was innumerable reasons why he couldn't, some initially invalid , then valid and now back to invalid. Always telling me he deemed me his "wife". "And a man shall leave his mother (and father) and cleave to his wife and the two shall be one" 

I'll never understand his zero contact for nearly 8 months of a newborn's life to simply ensure he could spend time with his family. Complete abandonment and broken promises. Oddly he says too all I did was talk about the negative stuff but when did this occur with no contact ? No clue. He blames me for that and it's all so deep seeded it makes my head spin. And he said it was MY fault lol my fault. Because HE was discontent with me. Cool. Rest assured he was not my favorite person either I had nearly bled out after having the baby in which he was absent, having never moved, because of the struggles he knew about during the pregancy and disregarded with his family. Nonetheless, I was here, being a parent. Alone. 

And the cycle never ended and I'm not allowed to talk about it without being met with sarcasm and threats. And ofcourse that's not healthy to suppress. But I tried it and then as to be expected would explode. 

I have amazing church support and counselors now that are helping me to function for me a see past this gas lighting. The making me believe I was crazy, that my recollection was inaccurate and my disappointments and feelings were invalid, "dumb, stupid". Fun fact about gas lighting "The 1938 stage play Gas Light, known as Angel Street in the United States, and the film adaptations released in1940 and 1944 motivated the origin of the term because of the systematicpsychological manipulation used by the main character on a victim. The plot concerns a husband who attempts to convince his wife and others that she is insane by manipulating small elements of their environment, and subsequently, insisting that she is mistaken or remembering things incorrectly when she points out these changes" . It's a form of mental abuse where someone tries to discount or confuse reality. This happened consistently with the hopes I would just drop the facts of poor behavior on behalf of him and his family or be persuaded it didn't occur exactly as it did. For YEARS. I had learned  not to use his money or it would allow him the freedom to use it as a means to justify his selfish ways. So I found it best to rely upon my resources first. Again alone. 

 Iam in operation "see my worth or leaves life" . New boundaries are even being set with my kids so I don't feel the need to be angry. Not ready to go? We're not going. House a mess? I'm going and I'll be happy to return after you have cleaned up your messes. 

I was not permitted to talk about my relationship issues without it being redirected . " So you've never gotten mad?" "So you've never... ??blah blah blah ." Ok fine then I'll fix me and then what was he going to do ? Nothing. One counseling session and more of the same behaviors. I would often try to just keep it all to myself. 

Not anymore. I can't talk to the offending parties so I'll do it here. Blog. Journal. Pray. Seek. Repeat. Probably no one will follow me on this journey unless they happen upon this blog and that's fine. It's a journey nonetheless. 

I'm going to now examine the truths that contributed to the demise of that relationship without the mockery and defense of it and the accusations that my attempts to process it with him were annoyances and nothing more. 

Searching for rest and breath

It's been a long time since I've written. This is not by design but more for survival. I cannot believe what has happened to me and my children at the hands of other people.

I realized I've been suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. This isn't like the valiant soldiers who have seen far worse than me. This is me, experiencing life and my consequences of other people's actions. I've deactivated my FB account to guard my home . I'm sad and will  miss my friends. But people who want to will seek us and lift us up and if they don't , Jesus is coming. 

I've been cheated on, lied to and deceived and I've been extremely emotional as a result. I've been made to feel that my concerns and feelings are small. And my life insignificant while pregnant and after his birth . 

It's time to face it head on. It's time for me to stop the insanity. Stop the pleading, begging, fighting and raging because I can't figure it out alone. 

I'm tired of hearing that my emotional strife can be dismissed by statements like, " I don't agree" and " ok , whatever" . That for some reason made me hostile. 

I don't understand how people can inflict such pain and insist it's all small and "dumb" or "stupid" . I've messed up, I've lost my temper and self control and my tongue . It's out of fear and frustration. Never again will I allow such weakness to response be my defining behavior. My kids need more and so do I. 

It's not small to me and I matter too. My children matter more. Despite circumstances and how I feel I've been here. Mom.mommy. Mom. I don't get to break down. I don't get to check out for days, weeks, months or years on end. 

I ve gone through the rage. Where I want someone to feel pain like me. And I've learned I need a better way .

Today I was told if someone couldn't do what he planned behind my back for his own benefit, he'd become"the biggest asshole I've ever seen", 

I feel panicked and groveling for security that I can't provide by myself and family.

I feel threatened and scared for my emotional health and the security of stability for my children.

I want to disappear. But, I never can because the likes of these will not rise to the occasion of filling my void. 

I can't provide for us by myself but I cannot live in this prison where if I grant myself a moment's peace, it will be met by an askew justification why promises made to me can be broken at my and our expense.

I'm afraid for myself. I'm afraid for my baby and I'm afraid for our future

I've had nightmares for months, I cannot sleep soundly. And I'm told I'm not enough over and over. 

I want to secure my children's future before mine. But, I cannot even do that.

So many unknowns and so many people deciding for us. 

Heavenly Father, fight for me and my children, I'm growing weary and the opposition is growing strong and standing against us . 

Making sense of nonsense

A short entry in processing. When you run out of trusted "safe" outlets, there is power in the keyboard. In my own frustrations, I've  been watching very closely the behaviors, thoughts and functionality of friends and members of support groups in regards to people who have been in relationships where one party has been unfaithful or dishonest or secretive, enter whichever adjective you wish to enter here they're all fairly synonomous in the scope of violating trusts 

Something I've noticed is the true presence of the desire to be desired and the genuine wish that the offending party would be not only apologetic for but moreso truly sorry for the hurt they caused. Instead , the damages souls find themselves moreso in the Twilight Zone where nothing makes sense. 

Something else I've noticed is the inexplicable levels of impatience on behalf of the offender in the victim having to mourn the loss of that trust. And more interestingly and annoyingly, the shifting of blame. I've discovered this blaming the victim is common, if you don't believe me just google something to the effects of " why do cheaters blame the other person? " or " why do people lie and then blame others " . You'll get the same responses... 

A murderer or thief as mandated under the laws of the land have done wrong and caused injustice. Therefore they must stand before a judge or in some cases, a jury to hear the restitution deemed acceptable in relationship to the actions on behalf of the people, society, those who suffered the injustice.  What you will not see is the opportunity ,in a court of law, for the defendant to determine and then fulfill their own sentence. 

Why then are cheaters and liars under the assumption they can cause afflictions and determine the nature and duration of their consequences? And in so many cases I've seen,they act hostily and in disgust of the product they've produced in their victims.

So I began looking at the psychology of it and long story short, it makes absolutely no sense. Many of these "get over it, why can't you get over it, leave the past in the past" mentalities are at best selfish and further, truly narcissistic. Best case scenario is the offender is guilty , and immature. 

What's my favorite constant in these instances (brace for sarcasm)  My favorite is most definitely the fact that the person who violates and oversteps the boundaries of their relationship and thus their partner's trust then begins to damn the partner for the emotional aftermath. This includes: rage, distrust, depression, isolation and sadness. But they didn't care about their pain before their actions so why bother worrying about it after the fact right? Let's just insult and say the injured party never suffered the injury and if they did, forget the brokenness like that of a broken bone, disregard the accepted course of healing action (in the case of a broken bone , a cast) and just disregard the need for a healing process. No. And nowhere have I found it to be so. I did find a very informative article written by Sheri Myers Psy.D as quoted below. Rest assured victims can and DO get over it and for these reasons so the behavior is NEVER excused.

"Getting past the pain of betrayal can be difficult and forgiveness can seem impossible. I've seen friends in this situation - locked in an endless well of bitterness, hurt and blame that's left them untrusting, depressed and lonely. Some remained single for years after a breakup, unhappy and convinced that there were "no good people" out there. Long after the divorce, the betrayal kept affecting them and their choices, over and over again.

This is why forgiveness is so important when you've been betrayed. Forgiveness is not about them as much as it is about you and creating a better, emotionally healthier future for yourself. After infidelity, you are the one that lives with the rage, jealousy and feelings of victimhood, not the cheater.

Forgiveness means letting go of the anger related to cheating, not condoning what the cheater did.

Forgiveness is the choice to not suffer.

Maybe you're telling yourself that you want to feel better first before you extend forgiveness. What I'm suggesting is that you'll feel better faster if you forgive first!

Forgiveness is not saying "What you did to me was OK" it's declaring, "I'm not carrying this anymo re ".

To start the process of forgiveness you must first give yourself permission, out loud, to heal and move on. In doing so, you are acknowledging that you are ready to see beyond the pain of today and project a brighter, more joyful future where you are loving, happy, and clear of anger and guilt. What happened is in the past and cannot be changed or controlled. What you can control is your current actions and emotions. You can reflect on what happened and make wiser decisions in the future.

The way back to love is choosing peace over anger, love over hate and forgiveness over blame and resentment. Remember, forgiveness is not about the person who hurt you. It's about you, your future and opening your heart to receive love and trust again." 

Trust again indeed. And trust when the injury heals up just like a broken bone sometimes it's stronger . So what happens when we realize our value and realize we have a right to heal on OUR terms and better yet G-d's terms and with your HELP not your accusations, deflections and outright resistance.

Faithfulness? Spiritual, religious

I haven't blogged in awhile, one of life's cruelest tricks, busyness. But I find it a good touch point in my life to reflect and assess and record. 

I've been living for quite some time at the mercy of many others who had heavy influence or others making decisions on my behalf and as an extension, on behalf of my children. Anyone who has walked through the demise of my two marriages with me knows this well. And I was in the minority of making extraordinary efforts to remain faithful. 

So now I find myself in a place where decisions made for me but not by me are affecting us in highly impactful ways and moreso because we have experienced strife and struggle before and we enter in damaged. 

Part of the great mystery of faith and faithfulness is discerning what is truly right. I most definitely believe that G-d wants the best for us and in our minds of lesser complexities, we can easily believe what we think is consistent with the anointings of the Holy Spirit. I have been witnessing more frequently lately that there is a new "modernized" Christianity. This mentality " I want this and surely G-d wants me to be happy so therefore I can deduce that G-d wants this for me too ". The problem I see is that though times have changed our Alpha and Omega ( beginning and end) are still the same. While Christians believe we are saved from our sins through Jesus' sacrifice , is it taken for granted? Maybe so, because we are still walking with the same G-d as Adam and Eve and all of the patriarchs and believers who have gone before us.

I take time to revisit a number of books I've studied in depth over the years and then of course my Bible. I do this because I find it interesting how different messages can pop up off the page as they relate to different stages of life.

I've heard the book of Ephesians debated at great length many times and have quite frankly heard portions of it being considerably distorted in attempts to force compliance in relationships and then further deteriorate the actual UNIONS G-d designed .

In a counseling session last week, it was emphasized that certain restrictions and boundaries are placed upon us by G-d, clearly because in His true infinite wisdom , He knows that there are troubles on the horizon in any way.

My latest struggle, how to approach those who claim to be believers but who adamantly negate and dispose of fundamental verses.

So I have always battled between the charge ( and boy what a charge it is) to be a mother who raises her children on a faith that is quickly losing its popularity and maintains a Christ-centered home, and balancing being a Christian wife. This is especially difficult as one directly impacts the other. We all know "do as I say not as I do" doesn't work with kids. But what about influences that AREN'T you . 

So enters one of my greatest supporters and prayer warriors, and she leads me to 1 Corinthians 7 which was actually a verse I referenced often when I wanted to give up on my previous marriage. In my current place, I have been seeking G-d's expectations for the faithful spouses when their counterparts maintain pursuits, behaviors and theories and ideology that contradicts not only G-d's will but also their very own promises and proclamations. 

1 Corinthians 7 New International Version (NIV)

Concerning Married Life

7 Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” 2 But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. 3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt youbecause of your lack of self-control.6 I say this as a concession, not as a command. 7 I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.

8 Now to the unmarried[a] and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. 9 But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

10 To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. 11 But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.

12 To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. 13 And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.

15 But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace.16 How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?

"If the unbeliever leaves," faithful ones, yhere is freedom. So the truth is, perhaps the happiness so many seek and seek and seek will never be reached until it is understood we are wired for eternity. And the complete satisfaction of the fulfillment of blessings is reserved for the faithful. In Heaven. "Your will be done, on earth as it is on Heaven". 

What does an unbeliever look like? I suspect but at the end of the day I don't know and am not going to make it my business to monitor. I think everyone has an angel and a devil on their shoulder like in the classic cartoons where we are given choices to follow the voice of one or the other.

While I agree some words and actions seem blatant and definitive, our judge  in Heaven has the pleasure of hearing the process to reaching our decisions and the deep down meditations of our hearts and minds, even if they are the dark and fleeting ones that are stifled to the point some have convinced even themselves don't exist.

So justice. As I sit here and listen to the sounds of waves reaching the sand and recessing, I have always heard the voice of G-d carried in the whispering currents. Blessed are the faithful and those who stand for justice for those who cannot go it alone. And I pray tonight too for the faithful. May G-d bind ungodly actions, thoughts and influences, may He bind oppressive viewpoints and depression and may He loose the strongest of His fleet to battle for truth and justice for those feeling weak and deceived that they may be blessed and protected. I call upon the G-d of the Psalmist David and I pray reward for those who in their human imperfections,still strive to cloak themselves in the full armor of G-d. Heal hearts, minds and bodies of all that harbors their deterioration . 

I have just been led elsewhere as this image popped in my head so I had to go search for it. Since it leads me down another rabbit hole of thoughts I'll have to write about it later....